My Cousin Vincent
by OmniStrife
Summary: Zack has come up with the perfect protest against the Shinra Company, and has roped his best friend Cloud into helping him out. But when they get caught, they find that they need help from an unlikely character. M for language and tiny bit of shonen ai.


**A/N:** Thanks to NeoTroi79 for providing me with the inspiration for this, to Linz for providing me with the most ingenious and appropriate crime ever and for being muse-ish, and to my Cydney (XD) for providing me with the means to write it all (i.e. a copy of the script of "My Cousin Vinny"). I loooooove you guys more than you could _possibly_ know! ^_^

So… this is a parody of the movie "My Cousin Vinny". If you haven't seen it, this will still be funny, but it's funnier when you've seen the movie. The movie is about two boys who are mistakenly arrested for murder (but really all they did was accidentally forget to pay for a can of tuna) and they have to call one of the boys' cousins, Vinny, who has only been a lawyer for six weeks. Hilarity ensues, and this story is based on one scene in the movie (the funniest, I think) when we first meet Vinny.

Obviously, it's AU because there is no point in the game where Cloud, Zack, and Vincent are all together (well, _technically,_ they were all at Nibelheim together at one point, but they weren't _together_). Vincent is _extremely_ out of character, and it was meant to be that way, so no flaming please. Cloud and Zack also don't have anything to do with Shinra in this. Well… except for… never mind. You'll just have to read to find out. XP

**Disclaimer:** All right, I admit it, I don't own anything. I didn't even come up with the idea. T_T

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**My Cousin Vincent**

"Zack? Are you sure we should be doing this?"

Violet eyes peeked out from behind wild black spikes of hair. "Cloud, no one should _ever_ be doing this."

Cloud looked apprehensive. "Then why are we?"

"Because we're insane?" Zack inquired with a grin. He looked down at himself, fixing his long, dark coat so that nothing was being revealed underneath. Cloud did the same unsurely.

"Zack." The boy in question looked at his counterpart. "I'm nervous," the blue-eyed blond stated, indeed nervously.

The elder boy put a reassuring hand on his best friend's shoulder, giving it a tender squeeze. "Don't be nervous, Cloud-o. You're beautiful, so why not let everyone know it?"

Cloud simply blushed and looked away as he pursed his lips in trepidation. This was not the kind of thing a shy young man like himself would do. Not unless that shy young man's best friend happened to be Zackary Fair. "Zack, I don't think this is the kind of 'beauty' I need to be showing the entire city of Junon."

Zack smirked. "Oh come on." He cautiously poked his head out of the alley they were standing in. Cloud shivered, partly because of his nervousness, and partly because he was freezing. Going commando under a trench coat in mid-autumn was not his idea of warm and cozy. Besides, it was getting dark. The sky was a dark purple color, almost matching the eyes of the mischievous boy peering at it, though it was sorely lacking that same naughty glint that was currently making those eyes twinkle.

"Zaaaack… I'm really cold!" the younger boy whined. "Can't we just go home?"

Black spikes wafted slightly as Zack turned his head, that flashy smirk never leaving his face. "I'll warm ya up, Cloud-o."

Cloud yelped as he was yanked into a strong embrace and he fought to keep the coat closed. "Zack! Let me go! My coat's gonna fall off!"

Zack laughed. "Well that's what we want, Sunshine!"

Cloud grimaced. "I told you to stop calling me that."

The older boy continued to chuckle as he let his friend go. "Well, dye your hair a different color than 'light of the sun' and I'll stop."

Cloud was about to say something but a voice over a loud speaker interrupted him. "May I have your attention please? Thank you. It is now my great pleasure to introduce to you our very own President Shinra!"

Zack turned to Cloud and grinned. "That's our cue, Sunshine."

Cloud rolled his eyes and allowed himself to be led quietly out of the alley. A huge crowd of people had gathered in the middle of Main Street, and all eyes were fixed on a large platform with a podium on top. Cheers erupted as a short, fat man in a red suit stepped up to the podium and held his arms out to the sides. Cloud was thankful that the President was the center of attention, though he had the feeling he wouldn't be for long.

They ducked through the shadows provided by the dark sky, virtually unnoticed because of the time and because of the crowd's distraction. They snuck all the way around the outskirts of the crowd before stopping and hiding behind a large truck that was parked right next to the "stage".

Zack turned to the blond who was grasping his hand tightly. "You ready?"

Cloud swallowed hard and looked back at his friend. "Do I really have a choice?"

Zack beamed at him, a look that said, 'no, you really don't.'

"I want to thank you all for coming tonight. This is the mark of a new age!"

The crowd cheered loudly again as the President began his speech and Zack scoffed. "Ah, what a crock of shit." Cloud squeezed his hand gently, silently asking when they were going to just do it and get it over with. "Any minute now, Cloud. We gotta wait for the right moment."

Cloud sighed exasperatedly, beginning to lose what little nerve he was holding on to.

"Our Mako usage is at an all-time high! The city of Junon has set a record and you all deserve to be praised!"

Zack's jaw dropped angrily. "Listen to him! 'Oh, I'm Mr. Fat-and-Ugly and I like to suck the life right out of the planet because then I get richer and I can feed my face 24/7 and get even more fat and ugly!'"

Cloud stifled a giggle as Zack pranced around in a circle with air in his cheeks.

The President continued, unaware of what ridicule he was being subject to. "I remember when this land was nothing but hills and grass…"

Zack stopped his mimicking and listened intently.

"It was just land to most people, but I considered it something more. A newborn child if you will…"

Cloud's face dropped as he recognized a familiar aura take over his friend. It was almost time. Zack fidgeted excitedly. "Oh this is perfect!"

"…with the potential to grow and flourish! But when I first saw it, it was just a baby, bare and naked…"

"Oh, _perfect!_" Zack yelled. "Now, Cloud!"

Cloud was uncertain, but he didn't have time to reconsider because Zack yanked him out into the crowd. The coats were forgotten as they sprinted through the huge crowd, right in front of the stage, leaving their covers in a crumpled heap on the pavement. The crowd gasped, seemingly collectively, as the two boys ran by and continued down Main Street… stark naked.

Zack was laughing wildly, his bare feet slapping against the pavement with Cloud not far behind. The blond's face was beet red, but he did have to admit to himself that he felt like quite the spectacle, and it was rather fun. That mood completely changed, however, when he heard authoritative shouts of, "Stop! Stop right now!"

Cloud quickened his pace to catch up to Zack a little. "Zack! They've got SOLDIERs after us!"

Zack kept running, passing by countless spectators, some laughing hysterically, some crying out angrily. "I know, dude! Isn't it great?"

_Not quite the words I would have picked…_ Cloud thought. They were approaching the bridge. They were going to make it.

"Not so fast!"

"Shit!" Zack yelled as he skidded to a halt right before he collided with a line of Shinra SOLDIERs with guns pointed straight at him. Cloud smashed into him from behind and they both crashed to the ground, falling over each other in a heap of naked flesh. Cloud groaned from underneath Zack and made a move to push the older boy off of him, when the sound of gun safeties being released caused him to freeze.

"That's quite enough!" a loud voice boomed. A man in a dark red uniform stepped up behind the SOLDIERs and they parted for him. "Thought that was some stunt, eh boys?"

He got no answer from the two young men. Zack only smirked at him in challenge and Cloud was vainly trying to cover himself.

"Major! Take these two into custody. And get them some damned clothes." The man in red, presumably the Captain, turned and stalked off, chuckling sinisterly to himself.

Zack and Cloud were surrounded then, and a couple of long t-shirts were tossed at them.

"This thing is hideous! You actually want me to wear this?" Zack exclaimed.

Cloud gaped at him. They were being arrested, and he _still_ had the balls to put up a fight.

But Zack ultimately decided to cooperate, reluctantly, when a gun was pointed at his head. Grumbling, he put the shirt on.

A small crowd of people had gathered around the scene, quiet mumblings and snickers could be heard from the mass. Zack grinned at them, that mischievous challenge never leaving his eyes. Cloud felt like he wanted to _die_. How in _hell_ had Zack _ever_ talked him into this?

Miserably, Cloud allowed the SOLDIERs to handcuff him while they did the same to Zack. They were led down the street to a truck, one of the SOLDIERs reading them their rights the whole way. The crowd followed.

Once inside the truck, Cloud turned angry azure eyes on his best friend. "Remind me again why I shouldn't just kill you now?"

Zack looked at him playfully. "You're handcuffed?"

Cloud just glared at him. Apparently, Zack found this whole situation _humorous_. They spent the rest of the ride in silence, Cloud occasionally shooting his raven-haired partner in crime a death glare or two.

When they arrived at the Junon SOLDIER headquarters, they were led through the enormous lobby and into a small room, sparsely decorated with a desk and three chairs. The walls were dark grey, and there was a single hanging lamp dangling from the ceiling. Zack snickered when they were shown in.

"Well if this isn't stereotypical, I don't know what is."

The low-ranking SOLDIER sneered at him. "You're only in here because we don't need the general public starin' at your asses in the lobby."

Zack took that opportunity to bend over and moon the SOLDIER. "But my ass is pretty!"

"Zack!" Cloud hissed. Zack giggled, and the SOLDIER rolled his eyes and left.

Cloud looked at his counterpart angrily after the door closed. "This is all your fault."

Zack sat in one of the chairs and propped his bare feet on the desk. "Can't argue with ya there, Sunshine."

'Sunshine' rolled his eyes and sat in the chair next to Zack. He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands, sighing loudly. "What's my mother going to think of this?"

Zack shrugged, even though Cloud couldn't see him. The door suddenly opened and a SOLDIER commanding officer stepped in. He tossed some clothes at the two boys. Zack caught his as the other set thumped against Cloud's head. The officer scowled at them. "Get dressed. You have five minutes. You'll be led to your cell after that."

Zack stood quickly. "Cell? You can't lock us up!"

The officer looked Zack straight in the eye. "Orders of the President. He also ordered a hearing, and then, a court date." And with that, he left. Zack growled and pounded a fist on the desk.

"What the hell, man? The worst punishment we should have gotten was a fine. This is bullshit."

Cloud sighed and began dressing. "Zack, we can't do anything about it. Just put the clothes on."

The dark haired boy eyed the clothing distastefully. "These things are ugly."

The younger boy looked at him as he pulled up his new pants. "Just do it."

Grumbling, Zack obliged. As expected, a pair of SOLDIERs came to get them five minutes later and began leading them to their jail cell. They were each given a pile of sheets and blankets, folded much too neatly, and herded down a long hallway with cells lining the right wall. Zack's face was stone cold, and Cloud's was beet red as they walked between the two SOLDIERs down the hallway, being followed by cat-calls and sharp whistles from the inmates in the other cells.

About halfway down the hallway, they stopped in front of a cell and the SOLDIER in front of them unlocked the door and slid it open. Casting a dirty look at the man, Zack entered first and tossed his sheets on the top bunk, followed by Cloud, who put his sheets on the bottom. The blond jumped when the door slid shut with a resounding BANG.

Zack was leaning on the bunk beds, staring at the floor and chewing his bottom lip. Cloud looked at him and crossed his arms. "You know what happens in these places?"

The raven-haired boy glanced up at him, annoyed. "Yeah, I know what happens in these places."

Cloud continued to stare at his best friend. "And sometimes, there's this big guy named 'Bubba' that no one wants to tangle with… and he'll protect you. But then you have to become his sex slave and do whatever he wants…"

The older boy glared at his friend as he rambled. "There's only the two of us here!"

Cloud glanced out the door and across the hallway. Lined up against the far wall under a staircase were about half a dozen fold-up cots. "What about those cots? I mean, what if they put somebody else in here?"

"Cloud," Zack said, stopping the blond's speech. The younger boy looked at him. "Shut up."

Cloud stared at his friend for a moment, and shrugged his shoulders. "Okay," he said, obviously irritated.

Just then, a SOLDIER appeared at the door. "You boys," he started while unlocking the door. "Time to make your phone calls."

They were led to an office full of desks, and then seated in the far corner. There was a table with a phone on it. Cloud looked at it apprehensively as he sat down next to Zack. "Who should we call? We can't afford a lawyer. Maybe we can call the public defender for—"

"No."

Cloud looked at his friend. "Well who were _you_ planning on calling then?"

The raven-haired boy turned eyes on the blond that were full of mixed emotions. Then he frowned. "I'm calling my mother."

Cloud just rolled his eyes as Zack picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello, Mom? Yeah, it's Zack. Listen, I have some bad news… No, Mom, just listen. Mom. Mom! We've—We've been arrested. Now Mom, calm down. Ma, listen." A pause, in which Cloud heard some garbled yelling coming from the receiver. Zack pinched the bridge of his nose. "Mom… what? Oh. Streaking. Yeah, I know. They're taking us to court. Calm down! Listen, we can't afford a lawyer… uh huh… oh, really?" Zack's demeanor suddenly brightened.

Cloud looked at him curiously. Zack held the phone to his shoulder. "We have a lawyer in the family!"

Cloud's eyes widened a bit. "Really? Who is it?"

Zack smiled brightly. "My cousin, Vincent!"

After making arrangements for Zack's mother to get in contact with Vincent, the boys were led back to their cell. They knew they had a while to wait before Vincent would arrive (he was coming from Midgar), so Zack decided to take a nap. Cloud, on the other hand, was very nervous. The sounds coming from all over the jail scared the hell out of him, and all he could do was curl up in the corner of his bed with his knees to his chest. Loud bangs, metal slamming on metal, yelling, keys jingling… all of it slammed his eardrums, and he found it amazing that Zack was actually sleeping through it.

After several hours, Cloud heard a new sound, and it made him jump. A door was loudly opened and closed, and heavy footsteps sounded, coming closer to his cell. The footsteps weren't normal though. They sounded like… metal. Like someone was wearing metal shoes. Nervously, the blond watched the door, waiting for whatever monster of a man was going to be led by.

He watched, and as if in slow motion, the toe of one black leather boot rimmed in metal appeared at the foot of the bars of his cell. It was slowly followed by the rest of a foot, a leg, another foot, another leg, and finally a long body, slicked from head to toe in shining black leather. Frightened blue eyes traveled up the slender body, widening as they went, and finally settled on a pale face, surrounded by jet black hair, tough looking, yet vaguely feminine. That wasn't what he was concentrating on, however.

The guy had _red_ eyes. Red eyes!

Those eyes caught his gaze, and Cloud had to stop breathing for a minute. Suddenly, he realized that the body belonging to the eyes had stopped walking. And a SOLDIER was unlocking the door. The door to _his_ cell. Cloud gulped.

"Here," the SOLDIER said, and looked at Cloud. "We got somebody for you."

Cloud watched with scared, confused eyes as the man in leather pulled a wad of gil out of his pocket and handed it to the guard. The blond's eyebrows furrowed. _Did… he just __**tip**__ the guard?_

The man in leather stepped into the cell, looking around and nodding his head, seemingly evaluating the cell's decoration. Cloud scrambled to his feet and backed up against the far wall. The man in leather looked at him and offered a smile, void of any trace of kindness… at least to Cloud.

"You must be Cloud. How are you?"

Cloud swallowed again as the smooth voice with a slight accent left pale lips. Stuttering, he ignored the man's question completely. "W-Why'd they b-bring you in here?"

The man shrugged casually. "Well, I just got in. I, uh, asked where the new guys were and they brought me right here." Cloud watched, terrified, as the man in leather stepped over to the bunk beds and looked Zack over. "He's sleeping, huh? Cute little guy." He turned back to Cloud, rolling his shoulders a little bit. "You know, maybe I'll just start with you, let him sleep a little bit," he whispered so as not to wake up the slumbering boy.

Cloud stared at him in horror and backed further into the wall, if possible. He held up a hand. "Look, I don't want to do this." Pictures flashed though his mind, as he watched the man come close to him; pictures of having to do some… not-nice things for the foreboding man approaching him.

The man stepped closer to the shaking blond. "Hey, I don't blame you. If I was in your situation, I'd want to get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible." The man tilted his head a little bit, a smile pulling at his lips. "So… let's try our best to make it a simple… in and out procedure, huh?"

Cloud jumped a little bit and circled around the man, desperately trying not to turn his back. He backed to a different wall, farther away from the scary man in leather, his breathing picking up with the realization that, yes, he was in a jail cell, and, no, there was nowhere to run. The man stepped closer to him. "What is wrong with you?" he asked, sounding confused.

Cloud shifted uncomfortably and avoided the red eyes. Red eyes! "I don't wanna do this," he repeated.

The man shrugged his shoulders and gave a short chuckle. "Well, I understand, but, you know, what are your alternatives?"

Cloud's eyes shifted back and forth. "My alternatives?"

The man folded his arms. "Yeah."

"To what, to you?" Cloud asked, looking at the man timidly. He nodded. "I dunno… suicide… death…"

The man chuckled. "Look, it's either me or them. You're getting fucked one way or the other," he said with a laugh.

Cloud didn't think it was funny, and he attempted to run from the man, but he was held back by strong arms, which pushed him onto a stool. The man looked him in the face as he leaned down, since he was considerably taller than the young blond. "Hey, hey, hey. Lighten up, okay? Don't worry, I'm going to help you."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "Oh, gee thanks."

The man held a finger to his face and Cloud stared at it as if it would attack him. "Excuse me," the man said, waving the finger. "I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here."

Cloud looked up at the man disbelievingly. "You think I should be grateful?" he asked in a tone as disbelieving as his expression.

The man nodded his head, annoyed. "Yeah. I mean, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fucking knees!"

Cloud stared at him angrily. "Oh, well I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you," he stated sarcastically.

The man returned his angry look. "Hey, I'm doin' you a favor here, you know. You're getting me for nothing, you little fuck."

Cloud stared at him, that disbelieving look returning. "Boy, that's one hell of an ego you've got."

The man stared at him. "What the fuck is your problem? I did _not_ come here just to get jerked off!"

Cloud stood and held up his hands. "No. No, I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything."

The man scowled and pushed Cloud back down onto the stool. "That's it. You're on your own. I'm just taking care of Sleeping Beauty over here. Hey! Zack!" he called, slapping the teen's ass lightly.

Zack bolted up and yelled out, "Hey, hey! Back off!" He rubbed his face a second and waited for his vision to focus. Out of nowhere, his face brightened and he smiled widely, jumping down from the bunk and embracing the man. Cloud stared, dumbfounded.

"Vincent!" Zack exclaimed. "Hey, Vin! Vincent Valentine, how are ya?"

Cloud's jaw dropped. "Vincent? This is Vincent?"

Zack wrapped an arm around Vincent's shoulders, smiling brightly. "Yeah, who'd you think it was?"

Cloud's eyes shifted uncomfortably. "Uh… no one. Never mind."

Zack shrugged, continuing his greeting of his cousin. After initial introductions, they all sat down together in the cell, and Zack and Cloud (mostly Zack, since Cloud was still mortified by his misunderstanding) relayed their side of the story to Vincent. The dark man listened quietly, stroking his chin thoughtfully. When the story was finished, Zack and Cloud eyed Vincent hopefully.

"Well boys, I think I might be able to do something for you," Vincent stated after a short while. "I got some… connections that would be very useful in a situation like this. You just leave it to me." With that, he picked up his coat—which had been discarded earlier—and put it over his shoulders. "I'll be back in a few hours."

Zack and Cloud waved as Vincent left and walked down the hallway, being led by the guard on duty. When he was out of sight, Cloud turned to Zack.

"What kind of 'connections' was he talking about?"

Zack shrugged as he hopped back up on his bed. "Who knows? There are a lot of mysterious things about Vince. He's a puzzle."

Cloud recognized Zack's tone as the no-more-talking-about-it tone and just sat on his bed. It was starting to get dark out and that made the building even scarier. He just hoped Vincent knew what he was doing, because he certainly didn't want to be stuck here for the rest of his life.

It was a long time before the loud door opened again. The familiar sound of metal boots approached, and Cloud shot up in his bed, hoping Vincent was coming back with good news. He furrowed his eyebrows though. It sounded like… there was an extra set of footsteps.

He banged his fist on the bottom of Zack's mattress, trying to wake the guy up. "Zack! Vincent's back."

Zack just grumbled something and sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. A few moments later, Vincent did indeed appear in front of the cell, but trailing behind him was a young man in a brilliant white coat, and neatly slicked back blond hair. He had an air of dignity and power around him, and Cloud couldn't help but stare.

"Hiya, boys," Vincent said as he was allowed into the cell, followed by the man in white. "This is Rufus Shinra."

Zack jumped down from the bunk. "Shinra? Vince, what the hell? They're the bastards that put us in here!"

Vincent held up his hand, opening his mouth to say something, but Rufus cut him off. "Not exactly. My father is the one who put you in here. I had nothing to do with the decision. In fact, I'm rather amused by your little stunt. It's about time someone put that fat bastard in his place." The President's son held up his hand to examine his perfectly manicured nails. "I also didn't mind the view."

Cloud blushed, ducking his head a little. "You saw us?"

Rufus smirked a little. "Indeed."

Zack suddenly grinned. "So I take it you're not a fan of your old man, then."

Rufus just smirked more. Vincent straightened and unbuttoned the top button of his coat. "Rufus has agreed to veto his father's order. Once he signs that paper, you boys are free to go."

"Why, though?"

Rufus held out the hand he had been previously examining. "Call it payment for a very entertaining show."

Zack beamed. "See I knew this was a good idea."

Rufus merely chuckled and turned to leave the cell. He waited outside while Vincent addressed the two boys. "Consider yourselves lucky, guys. If I didn't have the connections I do, then your asses would be prison bait."

"Thanks, man," Zack said, giving his cousin a very masculine pat on the back. "See you at the family reunion?"

Vincent grinned. "Naturally." Suddenly he leaned forward and whispered something in Zack's ear. The boy snickered and grinned, making Cloud very curious about what was said. But neither of them elaborated. Vincent shook Cloud's hand, accepting his gratitude, and left, joining Rufus in the hallway as the guard shut the door once more.

"Zack, what did he say to you?"

Zack grinned. "He said to expect to see Rufus at the reunion too."

Cloud blinked. "Why would Rufus be there?"

Zack hopped up on his bunk once more. "Go look at them before they leave the hallway."

Curious, Cloud did so, his eyes widening as he noted that behind their backs… Vincent and Rufus were holding hands. Dumbfounded, Cloud sat back on the bottom bunk. "Are they…"

"Yep," came the quick reply from the top bunk. Cloud leaned against the wall.

"No wonder Vincent got Rufus to agree to that." Then something dawned on Cloud. "Hey, Rufus said he enjoyed the show… does that mean…"

"I told you, Sunshine," Zack said as he hung his head upside down over the edge of the top bunk. "You're beautiful. Obviously someone besides myself appreciates it."

Cloud just shrank back, his cheeks warm and red. Zack laughed at him. "Ya look good in pink, Sunshine."

"Shut up," Cloud said with a laugh.

Zack ignored him and pulled his head back up onto the bunk. "Vincent has a lot of quirks. That's why we love 'im."

"So he really could have been Bubba…" Cloud mumbled.

"What was that, Sunshine?"

"Nothing. Goodnight, Zack."

"'Night, Sunshine. We'll be free streakers in the morning."

Cloud just rolled his eyes. "Save your next plan to go streaking for your cousin Vincent."

"Nah, that'd be weird. Last time I saw his butt was when we were swimming in the kiddie pool in Grandma Valentine's back yard."

Cloud refrained from picturing it. "Whatever. Just leave my butt out of it next time."

"Will do, Sunshine…" Zack mumbled, already sounding like he was drifting.

Cloud laid back. "Free streakers in the morning…" He shook his head, taking a breath and rolling onto his side. "This will certainly be a story to tell the grandkids." And with that thought floating in his mind, he closed his eyes and fell asleep, resting soundly, despite the sounds of the prison and dreams of a naked Zack and Vincent splashing each other in the kiddie pool.


End file.
